...and the harder I try to understand everything, the more futile this search seems to me.
One of the few things that I don't like about myself is that I am a perfectionist. I don' like settling for second bests, and I hate it when people have to teach me when I don't understand most of acads stuff. I love learning on my own. I love the freedom it gives me. The pleasure of being able to learn with all my might and strength makes me feel more human. I like being on my own for it lets me discover myself and the world. So there's no really second thoughts as to why I hate it when I can't understand everything.
Earlier this morning, as I was about to don my jacket, I realized that this "thing" isn't the same anymore. I am not free. There is no reason at all to learn when my system chucks out this very sense of learning. I can see my eyes spelling out "error" on its luminous surface. I can see myself buckling down then shuffling out of this dismal and draining routine. I can hear myself saying, "run fast and straight to the very depth of human blindness". But having the feeling of desertion to the immediate whimpers of my heart, I took the choice of plunging into the stillness of my clock-like life.
