Lately, I feel silent. I feel like it is better to keep things the way they are. I don't feel like saying what I really want to say, expressing what I really feel. After all, things won't get complicated if I prolong my keeping my mouth shut. On the contrary, it makes me feel deprived. Deprived in the sense that I can't let "myself" out. I always wanted to be read, but people fail to do so. I am not an open book I realized.On thursday, lola and lolo will come back from US. I miss them. I miss going to lola's house. I miss her marshmallow-y hot chocolate. I miss our movie session. I miss how she explains difficult things to me. She is the second person I turn to when everything fails. Of course, Mama comes first. Always has. Which reminds me, Mama will be back from Davao on friday. There are no words to explain how much I miss her.
Lately, I've realized that it is better if Papa won't work in Dubai anymore. Mama can support us anyway, and I like the idea of a complete family. Mama used to say that she loves us so much that she always turns down her supposed to be OTs. This time I urged her to do the one thing she wants for herself. I wanted her to fulfill her dreams in her career. I wanted her to be freed from the ties of having kids and a husband. After all, I'm a firm believer in freedom whether it accounts for nonnegotiable subjects and the exceptions.
I never believed in people saying they can be ultimately happy catering to the best interest of their own families. We all have individualistic instincts. We need to find our own self-purposes, and these don't necessarily include prioritizing other people's welfare. Apart from our families, we have ourselves. And it's the one thing we shouldn't depart from.
