Sort of A Tribute

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

i spent time listening to music tonight. i picked every song i listened to, empathized to every song lyrics, and sang with ellie goulding, florence + the machine etc.

it's so sad to think that listening to music, nowadays, has become something i have to write in on my planner. before it was a necessity like how one desperately needs to blink every two seconds or so; now, it turned into a schedule i'd soon check off of my to-do list.

i'm sad for myself because i'm gradually letting a one good side of me die. i remembered i once blogged that "life without music is plain torture".

have i changed so suddenly that a small part of me doesn't feel the same way? should i blame my ancient and bulky iPod because it is no longer updated? is this a desperate cry for a new music player, and perhaps a new music library? or is is just that all the songs in my iTunes can no longer sit with my happiness and pain?

i barely listen to the killers.
i do not listen to death cab for cutie anymore.
use somebody had become "tacky" to my ears when this was actually my most played track ever.
viva la vida is not my thing anymore.
i still listen to a few regina spektor songs when I used to listen to them 24/7.
i do not like to listen to motion city soundtrack anymore.

i guess, i just outgrew the songs, like a shirt i used to wear when i was 9 years old. but unlike a 9-year old shirt, i cannot throw my songs away. they carry memories, hidden meanings, vivid pictures flashing in my head.

sometimes, i feel scared that my computer would conk out again, and i'd be left with another empty iTunes. or that, my computer could no longer hold all these beautiful songs of my life (they consume a huge chunk of my computer's memory). where would i search for them in any case? where would i put all these songs i just cannot let go of?



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a vivid thought came to me: a particular scene in toy story 3 where andy hands over his old toys to bonnie(?), the shy little girl. without thinking, i shed a tear, right there and then on seat I 125 inside trinoma's movie house. i cried inside the restroom afterwards. i realized, letting go is really the hardest thing to do when you are still able to fight.

"giving up doesn't mean you're weak; sometimes, it means you're strong enough to let go."

true, indeed.