It seems like it’s not easy to write about tangible events that have already occurred. scratch the surface even more, hear the words spoken in murmurs, look beyond the smiles and arms hanging loosely on each other’s shoulders… how do I begin to write when I cannot will myself to wait out for our reflections to form on the murky pool of water? it does not suffice that I knew where/what/when we ate/we watched a movie/we played tekken 6. these things are forever infused in my head even as soon as they were being played out. what I always needed are their thoughts and my thoughts mixed together to achieve concreteness and profundity. there is no satisfaction in stating out the evident/the materialization of an idea.
it has always been difficult for me to express my thoughts out loud when in a group. after all, this is not one’s time to be on the spotlight. we exchanged words about ourselves but that was all. apparently, group conversations tend to focus on what is happening/going to happen/other people’s issue eg. infectious inside jokes/vegetarianism/cows slaughtered in thailand. that is why I prefer mini group dates (2-3 persons) because there is no reason to feel astray.
I have been feeling less close to these two but it isn’t an issue. when you’re in a group, these things are of no importance or are temporary. other members’ feelings rub off on you so easily, you lack the ability to feel separately.
before I went back to my grandparent’s house I thought about how sad I feel after seeing people I care the most. leaving, in my case, often gives off the scent of danger and vulnerability. I especially value one’s presence because there in front of me, is reality. haven’t I said before that I doubt the existence of events/figures/images that I have seen so long ago. because when one leaves, he/she dwindles down and back to being just a fragile memory.
