when I opened my eyes, with a passing blink and a sudden letting out a sigh of relief, I took notice of these familiar faces gradually forming around the alabaster wall. I see my friends and family, and I knew there’s nothing to be afraid of. someone once told me that I could make infinite mistakes —grave and petty— and not learn from them at all. there’s no excuse to not allow yourself to make mistakes. you either get something out of it or find yourself in complete bafflement, which will eventually veer toward discreet apathy. in the end you knew you gained or lost an important, unidentified portion of your being to make yourself more whole/ more solid. why not take the dip and see for yourself? see how far you can go and take it from there? jump, dive, swim… take the leap of faith. mistake/no mistake, you still moved. an inch maybe? a millimeter? who cares. it’s empowering to know that at the very end, you grew yourself a tree of verbs
yesterday I finished the catcher in the rye in the comfort of cal. looked up crime passionel by sartre and the outsider by camus, grabbed the books, sat in one of the desks near the windows, and read the catcher in the rye. felt like productivity and leisure such as reading books purport chaos such as a cramped reading table strewn with good old books and a hunky shoulder bag. kept looking at my watch, waiting for the hands to strike the 2 o’clock mark because there is someone I want to see and catch up with. texted laura where she’s at, which turned into a conversation of oops-let’s-meet-there-instead. but I still enthusiastically succumbed to an approximately 500-m walk because the weather was fragrant and foreseeing and I felt cold enough to need the sun. sat on the stone benches dimmed by light in vinzon’s and waited patiently for laura. the moment that she was finally let out by the group, I felt relieved. ‘this is such a beautiful day! why harass yourself with acad responsibilities!’, was what I forgetfully told her. we focused instead on the grandiosity of tending the atms and the ninja-like way of these bank guards bunking in bullet-proof money automobiles (wtf do you call those armored cars anyway? do advise!).
the afternoon was soon distributed into equal parts weighing memories that we would like to keep fresh and warm. there were two bookworms who like to read shel silverstein’s sexual and political illustrations, and are beyond happy to have taken a bite of jollibee’s tangy cheese fries. like a freakin’ story, our day sort of climaxed to the point of utter shock and awkwardness. seeing things that aren’t advisable to one’s daughter’s friend is one mistake we shouldn’t have committed. but was it our fault? learn to control yourself and be very very wary of your surroundings! you’ll never know who’s there at your back. yet, I really felt compelled to tell her the truth without any regard to what she must feel afterwards for the given reality that she has to grieve. she’s wise enough to handle it, yet again who’s wise enough to handle complicated situations that could directly affect other lives. someday I will muster every ounce of courage I have and let my inhibitions take a voyage into the crater of nothingness. I will be more than happy to guide them myself as I wear my hunting hat on and a pair of killer heels.
