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i know, i should have been writing the methodology for our thesis manuscript, or starting this paper for my semiconductor lab, or cleaning my 5-year pile of exam papers and such. i know i should be more motivated about acad work now that graduation is just a month away. but no. instead of feeling psyched about it all, i am spiraling down. it’s even an understatement to say that my emotions are crippling me. i don’t exactly know how to go on from here but i do remember when it all began.

i know i’ve got it bad the moment i started dreaming about deaths and family and this person i would not divulge for reasons that he might be reading this. last night, i dreamt that a course mate died. giselle and i attended his funeral and we couldn’t stop crying. i’ve never seen giselle cry so hard (i haven’t seen her cry at all) and i didn’t know why i was also crying because this course mate was not a friend of mine exactly. the other night, i dreamt about a class lecture in 173 where we were asked on how do we define love. some said that it’s purely physical attraction e.g. nice hair, good body, while others said something about intimacy. but there was this one answer that caught me off-guard. while everyone was laughing because of some joke, sir jigs asked, “o ikaw, toot, ano sa tingin mo ang definition ng love?” this classmate, with eyes casted downwards, responded “separation. love is being separated and enduring that separation.” it was so weird because i felt like i was that person, like it was me i was actually looking at, but at the same time i was sure that that person would actually answer the same in real life. then, the other night, i dreamt about my family’s trip to baguio specifically our ascent via naguillian road. naguillian road is known to have the worst road curves among the three routes one could take to reach baguio. i was so scared because i remembered Tito saying “nakaprimera na ako, natatakot ako habang nagdadrive”. in addition to that, i was seated at the back and i could see that no one was following us. in that instant, i felt so alone and scared even in the company of people who should not make you feel alone, not ever because they are your family. but i did, and the fear i had was replaced with an immense feeling of sadness, and i just wanted to climb out of the car and roll down the slopes under the starry sky.

i think that in this lifetime i will always be alone. i mean, i have my family, my friends, but they are all temporary. they will be gone, and i will too. i think that’s exactly what marina abramovic and ulay presented when they walked from both ends of the great wall of china, met halfway, and hugged each other for the last time. after they have hugged, they continued their journey all alone until they reach the other end. it’s so heartbreaking to have realized that even the greatest love you could have cannot save you from this imminent predicament, that no love can save you from yourself. however, shouldn’t this ending up all alone be complementary with how we were birthed by our mothers, and in that sense, it is safe to think that there is someone with us until the end since in the beginning there is already someone with us, our parents? uhhh, i am so confused because i still feel like i am so alone in all of these and that nothing could change that even love, which i think is the most potent solution to most of life’s problems.

anyway, i think i have given up but everytime i think about what cesca had done, i feel like i should try harder, be braver, and fight for what i want. to be a free man one should be free of regrets, she said, and that’s exactly how i should live my life, don't you think?