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i think right now i equate freedom to the sense of taking control over something or someone, which disheartens me obviously because i feel like i am now slowly losing hold of my ideals i have fortified and fenced in for quite a number of years. there are times when i feel like i am outgrowing the beliefs i had when i was 16, and it is not for the reason that i was naive back then or i am more mature nowadays. i refuse to believe, i guess, that we are aimlessly dabbling in still waters because motion is unavoidable and change takes place without our consent. when i think about change, the realization i had when i took physics 73 plumps up inside my head—the present is as inconsequential as a speck of dust because it only takes a flutter of eyelashes for the past and the future to materialize. we cannot capture the present because the seconds tick ever so rapidly, like chasing the speed of light, which is impossible as it is. i have always been intrigued with the concept of the past, future, and the present, so when sir solis pointed out that in relativity the concept of the present is not as important as what that famous quote (live in the moment) wills us to believe in, i was more astounded and fascinated. if there is no such thing as a present time, then  it's futile to think that we can be transfixed and naturally hinged on the possibility of being the same say in terms of our personalities

i read a book recently, milan kundera's ignorance, and it said that nostalgia is the unappeased yearning to return. the idea of something to be unappeased bears the concept of being nostalgic already because something unappeased carries the weight of the impossibility for satiation. this led me into thinking that being nostalgic is a hopeless feeling that i should learn to bring to a standstill. for kundera, the present exists because it is the glorification of love, and the people who could not let go of a certain period in time have found love which is likened to the actualization of the present. when i think about it, i feel like this causality disobeys the linearity of time because the present can spring up in both the past and the future

now i will try to make do with what i have and obscure this anxiety objectified into an essay