14

yesterday, the afternoon swooned from bright blue skies to skies clouded over in just a span of an hour. feel like this is very reflective of emotions rippling in me nowadays/how i always feel both the highs and the lows in just a matter of time. i also walked around up enveloped in the sheer comfort of knowing its ins and outs. thought about how i identify with this place's demeanor—the introversion resonates in the very sway of the kamagong's leaves or in the dance of shadows cast at dusk. i remembered the feeling of walking alone at 4 in the afternoon when the world is shunned and the only immediate reality is the self and its unmitigated intentions. it translates to the yearning for innocence, to going back in that point in time when what holds me firmly grounded is my unadulterated way of looking at and into things

recently i am becoming my old self again—the introvert, the hermit, the one who leaves things and people behind. i don't know if anyone really notices this side of me but i feel like what i portray does not divulge anything about me, and instead i resort to believing that there is a clear divide as to who i am when i am with few close friends and when i am on my own. i read somewhere that in the end there  doesn't have to be anyone who understands you and instead there just has to be someone who wants to. i guess, it's just that and then i can freely say i am done

i quit facebook too. how the chat went made me want to carve out a hole in the pallid walls of my room and live in that void until the susceptibility to feel relents the subjects of the topic. i lied, i guess, that i have no issues re quitting facebook because i do and i realize it all too clearly when i replayed the conversation in my head at midnight. i remembered telling k ann that when i am really down/disappointed, i tend to keep my distance and it takes a lot of time to narrow this wide berth. it's futile i guess in the end but right now i don't ever want to come back because i feel that the people i feel closest to are in twitter anyway

also, last night i thought about taking zolpidem because i haven't been sleeping all too well. told myself how i badly want to drive the thoughts pulsating in my head away. there are times when i am asleep and the things i am running away from/refusing to surface from my head when i'm awake clamber out of the trench of safety i have firmly erected. even in sleep i cannot escape and it so, so, so dissuades me. i haven't taken a sleeping pill before but i badly want one now and sleep for 24 hours+++++