i have failed the first long exam in math 55. yes it is true and 99.1% assured (what with my prof and my inability to study methodically). of course i am upset and disheartened, but what really makes this more painful for me is the fact that it is very much impossible to get a second chance.

i don't want to put the blame on anyone. i don't even want to exhaust myself about how irresponsible etc i am, but this is how i have always dealt with my mistakes. i need to recognize the pain to remember the feeling of happiness.

i am such a masochist that i punish myself for the regrets i have. i am always searching for pain...to learn, to appreciate, to feel. i learn things the hard way.

but after everything has subsided, at the end of every search, i will always find my own nirvana, my own heaven of heaven itself.

this is how i feel, how i see things, how i deal with mistakes and problems.

this is my weakness and strength at the same time.