Bloom Side

monica and i were at moonleaf this afternoon. we both had honey milk tea because vanilla, hakka, and wintermelon weren't available. surprisingly, the tea shop wasn't crowded. we were seated by the counter, and another group of college students were adjacent to us. i like the atmosphere this way, like we were all breathing the same stale and arid air that the uni emits. we're all equal and the same, all tired and strained, all forgiving and merciless for all it's worth, all empty and fulfilled for the same reasons of being empty. it's all we got and we're satisfied. monica had been telling me that this cycle of wanting and desiring is a natural instinct. to break the cycle, we have to be contented and illuminated to realize that we are all equals anyway. we're left with wants which turn into greeds and hates, and we're unhappy. so we ask why. is it because we need to reach the million-peso mark? is it because we want to be above par someone else? isn't it all too shallow, and vague, and worthless then? that's why i constantly say, "i live with what i have"

after moonleaf, we dropped by bookukay, but unfortunately, it was closed. i was expecting that i'd be greeted by the same familiar smell of old books; the ragged, subtle contours of the owner's face; and that hideous bulk of a what-could-be-a-couch? i was disappointed honestly because i was vividly remembering the happiness that the place engulfed us back in 2009. we missed cesca. it wasn't enough.

after a short walk, we were back at friuli. i like this place so much because they sell really good italian dishes for very affordable prices. another disappointment though: mozarella sticks weren't available. so instead, we ordered tre frommage. it's just actually a typical thin-crust pizza layered with blue cheese, mozarella, and parmesan. it gives off a very strong smell like the smell of urea (because of blue cheese) but we love it because it's cheese, cheese, cheese! i think we're both cheese whores haha. all the while, we've been talking about cheese: cheese with maggots that monica saw somewhere in europe, ricotta cheese that i love so much, blue cheese aka moldy cheese etc. props to the very epic cheese conversation.

we've talked for a long while before heading back to campus again. on normal days, we'd talk about acad stuff, and on special days like this, we'd talk about who we are. i invaded monica's wallet because i have a theory that a wallet defines a person. see monica's a camper so she still has her kampo uno rescue bus thingy. she's a traveler too so she has this miles thingy card. i, on the other hand, am undeniably irresponsible so my wallet looks like a pig sty. we also talked about how fast everything has become, how much we want to go back to our childhood days (or i wished i was 18 again and invincible and possible), how people who surround us and have been an influence to us abruptly changed, how 'lucky' we are that we're from the same disregarding college, and how blurry these parallel futures seem to be. everything is subtly still yet verging to a drastic change. even the act of being subtle is a form of change itself. i feel constant and there. yet i know that i am moving and swirling and cascading towards the deep unknown. sometimes, i just confuse myself i guess, because then things would really matter. and i know that when they do, i am too.

I promise to love more if they come,
because in spite of cruelty
and the stuffed railroad cars for the ovens,
I am not what I expected. Not an Eichmann.
The poison just didn’t take.
So I won’t hang around in my hospital shift,
repeating The Black Mass and all of it.
I say Live, Live because of the sun,
the dream, the excitable gift.
— from Live, by Anne Sexton