2011/05/12
rose asked me, ‘would you want to seek help for our condition?’ I vaguely answered, shrugged the question off politely, and asked another question instead. I felt like my head was filled with rooms engraved in black typeset bearing the names of preexisting human conditions. that time, I couldn’t open one like I was locked purposely inside my head. I was floating inside the gray void, hollow and queasy. I wanted to explain to her that I wasn’t unfortunate in those said episodes; I was just desperately obsessed. obsessed to the point that I spend almost every waking minute of my life thinking about it. I remembered the scene in inception where cobb was explaining to ariadne how an idea can magnanimously change the whole length and width of the life of a person. I am that, but I am not [yet] delirious enough.
Cobb: I'm going to improvise. Listen, there's something you should know about me... about inception. An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you.
on the way to cubao, I told her about daul, about existentialism, about camus, about that singaporean who let go almost so instantly. how could have they changed me so gradually that I’m finding it harder and harder to resist my indulgence? indulge seems to pertain to something addictive and sweet but possibly damaging right? well if it works the other way, you know what I mean. I’ve never said these thoughts so outright to anyone ‘til her as my heart purportedly became a vessel of doubts and timid insecurities as years go by. I needed a friend who feels the same way and won’t judge me. And that is undoubtedly Rose (I need to capitalize this one)
we talked as we walked along the damp streets of cubao. I told her, I feel young and invincible. reasons: that “yummy” surprise, the save-me-I’m-dying-but-pretty-even-though bookmarks, the not-standing-me-up scenario etc. etc. (is it even possible to write down what we are grateful for in life?) it was an endless day of talking and walking and book-raiding and appreciating and laughing and eating.
I live by this quote of mine, "There’s more to a person than what he/she seems to be. Hidden inside us are a multitude of cosmoses quietly illuminating, waiting to be unearthed.”
