with every fiber of my being I feel stressed. I am pushed to move forwards without the clarity of what was said and done, as if I work via resistors and capacitors and there’s no heart left in me. I need not know the ways and means so long as I take the step towards the end. is this very concept of learning? deadlines are death and they have killed me long ago. repeat, again, I make no sense. I am recounting aided by exaggeration, and this is a good way to envision my life these days.
I ditched pi on wednesday. the usual lunch—chicken broccoli in walnut bread—was no longer substantial for me. now I need to regain my strength and exuberance come noon via masticating high carbohydrate foods. hunger impairs the mind, yes I’ve been through this, and it scares me to think that food holds the stability of our mind and distinguishes our being humans by putting off our animalistic nature. a conversation we, diana des laura aj and I, had dwelled into the subject of food and how it affects our way of thinking. one argument said that we can continue to survive so long as we have water. survive has already been extracted of the concept of morality in this case. we are purely responding via our survival instinct. we need not differentiate ourselves, we’re no different from animals, and we have disregarded our ‘intelligence’ over them. this causality is dark and haunting at the very most because I do not like to think that we are dependent on certain things so they have power over us. water can proceed to flow and wash the world with happiness and sorrow without us. yet when confronted with such alike question, I cannot say the same for our welfare. without water, we’re nothing.
also, on wednesday I tagged along with the group. I wasn’t feeling very well so I slumped in the concrete floor of main lib and participated in their bible study. the subject was about the heart, and I feel less scared. there is a force I feel when I talk about my relationship with God, like pressure, because I’ve used to communicate with Him privately. in a group I am strongly affected by the members’ individual feelings so I tend to lose focus on what I’m offering/what I’m trying to say. but this wasn’t communication with Him. it was understanding Him the way he understood me, in scriptures, in sentences written with honesty and faithfulness. I’ve seen somewhere that going to mass is one way of exercising your faith to make sure that you won’t go astray in a weekly basis. the analogy is something like you need maintenance for your car so that it works consistently and won’t fail you when you needed it the most. I need this, I realized so I’m planning to join the group every wednesday.
after bs, aj laura and I had milk teas at moonleaf. laura ordered house milk tea, aj had caramel pudding milk tea, and I had the usual—wintermelon milk tea. now I’m quite laughing at my consistency. it honestly makes me feel odd that I value consistency in life. I’ve always looked up to people who are spontaneous and ready to do anything that their hearts desire. I am not entirely like that. I have bouts of impulses in the past, such as my recent trip to galera, but I cannot succumb to my wild spontaneity when I have something at risk. an extreme spontaneous daredevil is not altogether different with a risk-taker; they both have sudden desires and they see only with their hearts.
aj’s art work
what I like best when I’m with my psych buddies is that I get to learn a lot from them. they tell me things about the mind and theories that have loopholes but sound nice so they are nice. we talked about the interdependency of love and vulnerability as a determining factor that a person cares. this lead to a debate between aj and laura about vulnerability and its relation with love. I teamed up with aj with our developed belief that vulnerability pertains to weakness, and when in love, we cannot help but yield to this, so we both do not prefer this given observation. laura, on the other hand, associated vulnerability with strength because it heightens the threshold of one’s capacity to hurt, hence making the person stronger. when the person you care about is hurt you cannot help but feel the same way, so this is your weakness. yet when viewed in another angle this very attribute also shows how strong you are. take for example, the cliché answer of interviewees to their potential bosses when asked about their weaknesses. the interviewee so enthusiastically answers his tendency to achieve perfection in all aspect and regard it as the highest of the professional values. because we know that no one wants to answer the obviously ugly, such as being a slob. why would ceos want someone like that to work for their companies anyway?
side note: my recently purchased books. one of which is from bookdepository. :)
