17 (tumblr)

04/21/2013
feel like i’m floating these days, and the liquid-like ground hinders me from becoming unmoved, from being unhinged. on friday night i went to reg’s house under the pale sky with the hazy half-moon and a multitude of stars. i remembered a boy, who also loved to look at the moon and stars because we identify with these celestial bodies in the sense that we are incorrectly placed in this world. to live elsewhere is a dying wish that the heart continues to forge against our empty dreams. if asked, this is me becoming completely detached and having commitment issues because i’m tired of people including myself. let me be clear, i don’t know how to handle friendships because i am inconsistent. sometimes i let people down. sometimes i’m open and talk so much about myself and give advice and listen. there are only a few who knows this side of me, and i guess, that’s only cesca. there’s a feeling that is completely unsettling me because i am becoming this way again. i am shutting the world out and i am taking no one with me. on friday i attended a dinner. being with everyone is a feeling i am most familiar with. i don’t know but i felt like these are my people. i can goof around and feel like i am really myself.

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02/09/2013
just a sketch of my thoughts and the infinite well of under-analyzed things—
configurations of the mind that were conceived from observations/derived from senses
yesterday i met up with old friends who i haven’t met for a long time
felt like bursting at the seams when i finally welcomed the tangibility of their presence
and touching is one way to express deep emotions e.g. hugging
which i don’t usually seek out for in these situations
am i worried of what i am becoming or that i consider this ‘me’ up to no good
am i worried that it’s taking me a long time to find it in myself the self i want to be 10~ years from now
i dwell in the future because
the present is littered with unwarranted feelings and abrupt presumptions
what a way to think, what a way to feel, because
saving myself from the ramifications of my future actions
i am drowning instead in the tides of the here and now
what a cliché
to say to myself, “hey live in the present”
because i have learned in physics 73 that
the present is as inconsequential as a speck of dust
and as ephemeral as the seconds it take me to blink an eye
i am asking the cosmos
and it has failed to answer me again,
and again, and again
just a thought: what would you do if you knew you could not fail?

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01/26/2013

last night was a night filled with dreams and desires
because i know i am still seated in the plush chair of life,
and am hopelessly treading water in the whole gamut of human life
a friend told me that i should become the best of who i am
and hope, because it gives life, and life is fueled by ambitions and visions
i dream, like many of you, to have a house,
to have money to travel the world,
to help humankind in some way, and
to have someone i will love irrevocably, unconditionally
these are part of the grand scheme of my life,
and that is to have a constant sense of being enough,
of feeling the simplest kind of happiness
i long for the time when i can finally say
i have lived my life as a free man, a man free of regrets

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01/19/2013

i went back inside your head, your head filled with thoughts
coagulating into objects—weather-beaten running shoes, a vermillion trench coat, eyes
i like listing things down
listing you down, down into every curve of my body
across my nape, over my weary eyes, just inside my clammy palms
if i could touch you again, i would
1) lightly move my fingers (1,2,3) over the soft hairs on your veined arms
2) breathe against your knees as you sleep / on the cusp of waking and sleeping
3) playfully move my feet and let them rest on top of yours
until you meekly say,“my eyes are heavy but your feet are light”

4) promise i won’t leave but then you know that already,
so i’ll leave instead and love you until you let me touch you again

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01/13/2013
(List Your Favorite—)

1. Scents
fabric conditioners, newly-sunned bed mattress, a new city in the middle of the night/in the wake of morning, paints, boulangeries
2. Sounds
ukulele riffs, accordion, the spaces (silence) in between conversations, the ruffling of leaves at nights when i can’t sleep and am encompassed by the pitch-black darkness of the room, the clanging of pots and pans w hen my mother is cooking, waves rolling in and out
3. Things to touch
the insides of books—old and battered, maps/brochures, soft, brown hair, collarbones, knees, on sale carpets in kultura
4. Colors
the kind of pink that makes you think of skies and unicorns, the kind of blue that makes you think of movies and everything sad, the kind of green that makes you want to climb a mountain, white as pure as your lover’s soul, silver
5. Books
the book thief, history of love, blindness, the passion, the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, identity, the wind-up bird chronicle
6. Movies
amelie, beginners, moonrise kingdom, somewhere etc.
7. Kisses
the one suspended from the clear-cut divide between hesitation and unbounded affection
8. Touches
the one uncalled for, but always, always filled with tenderness
9. Words
- affection, ebullient, think, feel, hope, infinite
10. Voices
his, hers, ours