the overwhelming sadness creeping in me every night is too much—i find myself caught up in a battle between what's right and what's not. when i get hold of it on monday and find out that i have to pay ++++ money, i might really lose it. i am so scared because every morning i cannot stop thinking about it. i thought it just rooted from what is happening between us but i am absolutely misled. this is the core of me. it doesn't change. depression is a black thing that sits patiently at the back of my mind waiting, waiting, until that moment when i find myself alone comes again. all of a sudden i just want to not exist and never wake up.
i am so, so, so scared and anxious. oh please, i don't want to lose it. i'm fighting my hardest to hold on to it, this life, this beautiful life, but... it's too much sometimes. i'm so scared :(
About
- Finella
- hi. i'm finella. i like a lot of things and i think i like to feel. i also enjoy taking long walks, and watching dolphins&other sea creatures, and going to museums, and being with a few people, and eating mexican/indian food. the usual stuff—art, music, books, russia, trains, airports, philosophy, psychology, and literature— intrigue me. i'm an engineering student (MS soon to be PhD) and i don't feel like one. and i think that's okay as long as i stay true to myself. i am very idealistic, but at times, like right now, i don't feel like one because i am an enfp. my only dream is to have a constant happy disposition. that's very idealistic and i'm quite pessimistic so i don't know.