fuck

i am in a room filled with light, the room is spacious, and the chairs outnumber the amount of people who are studying. i should be studying and doing my thesis to go back to manila, to home but i want to be lost here, to be trapped because no one and nothing's waiting for me there. i get sad most of the time when i wake up and find myself in a completely different room when my dreams are littered with memories of manila and family and friends. they say you can't make homes out of people but i do. home is my family, him.

i don't understand the decisions i made because a little space in my heart cringes and shrivels. i know i am lowering my standards for him, creating spaces to fit this person in my life. i guess this is why it's all wrong. i am so confused right now. i feel like i should not hold on and leave him instead because i'm too fucked up for him and he's too immature.

Ay

sometimes the world becomes too gray
and you're the only colorful mass of disarray
so when the midnight leaves melancholically sway
you also find yourself drifting away

22

i think that you have to learn that the strands of your lives entangle once and that’s it. no more twists, no more chains, just that, and you have to accept everything the same way you accepted that you’re going to grow up and die and leave everything behind.

last night someone told me that all i needed to do was hold on. i am holding on, grasping on shadows and forsaking the temptation of sweet deliverance. haven’t i told you that my mind is cluttered with untimely processions of tragic ideations—all dark and mistakenly mad, mad, mad. i am going mad, is that it? is that the tragedy of life? that we’re all going mad and no one has noticed anything. we proceed on living but each step towards the end we take another step backwards into the madness of it all. there again, i am not making any sense. i’m so tired, i guess, because my mind isn’t bringing it into a standstill.

on the way home, inside a taxi, i briefly eluded the idea of dying and lived in that moment, inside a taxi, with a kuya manong who was friendly enough to possibly become my reason for living.

i remembered that one time i almost jumped off of the hotel balcony. it was my grandparent’s wedding anniversary. so close to the divide, so close to dying, so fragile this life. if that kuya manong is my reason for living then i guess i have to live because our lives entangled once and i have to accept the fact that this life is not mine to end. this life is his, hers, yours, mine, ours. if i kill myself tonight, i am killing everyone else. a mass murder.

i cannot commit an act of selfishness and excessive malevolence.

good night (and not goodbye).

but who am i kidding really?

Things I Really, Really, Really Miss

1) I miss going to Cesca's house and listening to Yano. I miss our movie dates. I miss calling her when I have problems with the boy I used to like. I miss her stories and principles and ideals.

2) I miss going to Lola's house. Everything has changed now. :(

3) I miss being with my G12 girls, especially when we used to drool over V and L. HAHAHAHA. I miss them even moreeeee

4) I miss 2008. I want to go back to that year. I'd exchange everything I have right now just to go back in time. I was so happy and alive  then, now, blah

5) I miss my Mom tucking me in bed and accompanying me when I shop. I miss my Dad playing with me, quizzing me about the Philippines and everything under the sun. Dad gave me my love for quiz shows and hunger for knowledge. Mom taught me patience.

20

the overwhelming sadness creeping in me every night is too much—i find myself caught up in a battle between what's right and what's not. when i get hold of it on monday and find out that i have to pay ++++ money, i might really lose it. i am so scared because every morning i cannot stop thinking about it. i thought it just rooted from what is happening between us but i am absolutely misled. this is the core of me. it doesn't change. depression is a black thing that sits patiently at the back of my mind waiting, waiting, until that moment when i find myself alone comes again. all of a sudden i just want to not exist and never wake up.

i am so, so, so scared and anxious. oh please, i don't want to lose it. i'm fighting my hardest to hold on to it, this life, this beautiful life, but... it's too much sometimes. i'm so scared :(