i haven’t written for the longest time. i am afraid that words will betray me, that i am incapacitated by my doubts. i have a lot of questions in my mind right now. i am questioning this existence, my ultimate goals, my dreams. i guess, i have always been sad. in the sense that the happiness i reverberate around people is a defense mechanism, a façade. a friend once asked me if i am constantly happy or constantly sad, and i surprised myself when i said “i am constantly sad”. i never admitted that to anyone, not even to myself, until that time. i was in the state of denial because i was afraid of not being liked. one of my closest friends told me once that the reason she enjoys my company is because i am a comfortable and happy person. i wanted to be liked so i refrained from showing what i really felt. i am not a happy and comfortable person. but don’t get me wrong, i am not intending to put the blame on her. it’s just how i am, just too responsive of what others think of me. i have always voiced out how much i long for the time when i am finally free of my inhibitions, of regrets. that’s why i try and try to live by the saying “stay true to yourself” and “be real”. how very ironic that this close friend of mine also wrote to me how tangible and real i always am when i’m with her. i guess she just doesn’t know me too well and no one knows me well enough to understand me. if only you could understand me. screen after screen of laptops, a sea of letters, we are separated. no word could bridge the gap, no sound. i am whispering to you. i hope you’re listening.