some feelings you keep on hiding inside your skin, far from the blatant scrutinies and misconceptions, and they get bottled up, you feel like a piece that needs to be dismantled to just feel okay. your goal, simple: to be okay because the rest is complex--you taught yourself to solve the easiest and step back, retreat, retreat from your worn out thoughts replaying obsessively inside you head. i heard somewhere it's bad for a girl to think, thinking kills. i guess it is. i try to, i learned over the years--the result i lost the desire to write, lost my identity. you tell you've changed, it's oh so easy to say. because words are your weapon when your actions and true feelings fail you. i easily feel dead every time i am reminded that people can't change. i have high hopes you'd do, i trust and believe in you in that sort of way. how can i keep you from not having affections towards her? you see, i'm ready to give you up. i will never fight against her. love is not a competition you always tell me. lemonade, i like that album. beyonce you save me every single day

Attended a wedding last saturday. It was Patty's brother's wedding. Wow. That was a handful. Slept over at sequoia with paolo, jake, patty, and mark. Then after that raymond and i went to lucena to get a breather from manila and its pollution. Was quite overwhelming for raymond to drive for what could be 12 hrs. Nothing to see in lucena. Had the best crispy pata though in a homey place near the municipal. Had lomi in batangas. Then head straight to antipolo to see the spectacular view of city lights.

Nausicaa

Cesca and my boyfriend highly recommend Nausicaa. I tried watching it several times, on my bed, in my boyfriend's place, in Taiwan but I can't seem to, for the lack of word, like it. It really bores me. I get the importance of the movie--how it teaches people to protect nature the way it protects us, that in no time we'd be taking the toll of our own actions towards environmental conservation and such. I get it. I guess it's just that the characters don't seem to resonate within me. There's something lacking in the movie. Maybe the story was devoid of feeling (i devour feelings jsyk) and that it's too... bland. So tonight, I opted to shut off my laptop instead than to finish watching Nausicaa. What might be wrong with me? Haha

Test

Test

i guess i am back
wow definitely a thing to say after 2 years or so
things have changed like i have a boyfriend now and my weight surmounted to 70 kilos from 60 kilos
not that i'm proud of it
i'm certainly not proud of the fact that i literally look like a lumba lumba but i just like to put that in writing to sound like major things have changed
looking at myself again, i guess no i didn't change a bit
i'm still sad, more like depressed, every now and then
i still can't figure out life and what lies for me here
i still have my friends but some went and that's the end
i don't like spending time thinking about things that don't matter anymore
that's what changed, i think
one of the greatest lesson i've learned is to stop being so introspective
i mean it might be good for other people but for me naaaah
it's all a downward spiral when i become like that
when i'm sad, i go to places far away from manila
just a day or two and i'm okay
i'm a lot simpler now in terms of well my emotions
pretty gained (apart from my apparent weight gain) a lot of confidence from having a corporate job and tackling things that are way too mature
still lazy and irresponsible though haha
this is me version 2.0 or more like me version 1.....
i would like to share my thoughts again
a strange motivation for me to have my thesis going
so yeah, hello, i'm back

fuck

i am in a room filled with light, the room is spacious, and the chairs outnumber the amount of people who are studying. i should be studying and doing my thesis to go back to manila, to home but i want to be lost here, to be trapped because no one and nothing's waiting for me there. i get sad most of the time when i wake up and find myself in a completely different room when my dreams are littered with memories of manila and family and friends. they say you can't make homes out of people but i do. home is my family, him.

i don't understand the decisions i made because a little space in my heart cringes and shrivels. i know i am lowering my standards for him, creating spaces to fit this person in my life. i guess this is why it's all wrong. i am so confused right now. i feel like i should not hold on and leave him instead because i'm too fucked up for him and he's too immature.

Ay

sometimes the world becomes too gray
and you're the only colorful mass of disarray
so when the midnight leaves melancholically sway
you also find yourself drifting away

22

i think that you have to learn that the strands of your lives entangle once and that’s it. no more twists, no more chains, just that, and you have to accept everything the same way you accepted that you’re going to grow up and die and leave everything behind.

last night someone told me that all i needed to do was hold on. i am holding on, grasping on shadows and forsaking the temptation of sweet deliverance. haven’t i told you that my mind is cluttered with untimely processions of tragic ideations—all dark and mistakenly mad, mad, mad. i am going mad, is that it? is that the tragedy of life? that we’re all going mad and no one has noticed anything. we proceed on living but each step towards the end we take another step backwards into the madness of it all. there again, i am not making any sense. i’m so tired, i guess, because my mind isn’t bringing it into a standstill.

on the way home, inside a taxi, i briefly eluded the idea of dying and lived in that moment, inside a taxi, with a kuya manong who was friendly enough to possibly become my reason for living.

i remembered that one time i almost jumped off of the hotel balcony. it was my grandparent’s wedding anniversary. so close to the divide, so close to dying, so fragile this life. if that kuya manong is my reason for living then i guess i have to live because our lives entangled once and i have to accept the fact that this life is not mine to end. this life is his, hers, yours, mine, ours. if i kill myself tonight, i am killing everyone else. a mass murder.

i cannot commit an act of selfishness and excessive malevolence.

good night (and not goodbye).

but who am i kidding really?

Things I Really, Really, Really Miss

1) I miss going to Cesca's house and listening to Yano. I miss our movie dates. I miss calling her when I have problems with the boy I used to like. I miss her stories and principles and ideals.

2) I miss going to Lola's house. Everything has changed now. :(

3) I miss being with my G12 girls, especially when we used to drool over V and L. HAHAHAHA. I miss them even moreeeee

4) I miss 2008. I want to go back to that year. I'd exchange everything I have right now just to go back in time. I was so happy and alive  then, now, blah

5) I miss my Mom tucking me in bed and accompanying me when I shop. I miss my Dad playing with me, quizzing me about the Philippines and everything under the sun. Dad gave me my love for quiz shows and hunger for knowledge. Mom taught me patience.

20

the overwhelming sadness creeping in me every night is too much—i find myself caught up in a battle between what's right and what's not. when i get hold of it on monday and find out that i have to pay ++++ money, i might really lose it. i am so scared because every morning i cannot stop thinking about it. i thought it just rooted from what is happening between us but i am absolutely misled. this is the core of me. it doesn't change. depression is a black thing that sits patiently at the back of my mind waiting, waiting, until that moment when i find myself alone comes again. all of a sudden i just want to not exist and never wake up.

i am so, so, so scared and anxious. oh please, i don't want to lose it. i'm fighting my hardest to hold on to it, this life, this beautiful life, but... it's too much sometimes. i'm so scared :(

19

on the verge of dying academically read: slowly losing the passion and dream of becoming an environmental engineer because of external factors and self-instigated issues. like what do i really want to do with life? i don't get the satisfaction in what i am currently doing, should i just wait it out, let the particles settle, but what if this disinterest doesn't change? where's the way out? how to get out of this blackhole? that's why i dislike commitments (people and work related) because it's hard for me to accept that i am tied to anyone/something. i know this won't result to anything beneficial/won't help me have a future with someone or with life really but i'm not doing anything to address this issue. i just want to bum for about a year but i know i will just get depressed. why did i go to graduate school? the answer is because i am bored. i am so bored with life. i'm accepting anything death related now. like kill me, this world is just blah, boring

sobrang kelangan ko lang ilabas ‘to sa system ko kasi sobra sobra na
sobrang hindi ko na kaya, yung tipong kanina habang kumakain,
kinailangan ko pang tumayo para lang hindi ko na naman maisip gawin yun
nung isang araw nasa mrt ako at tila ba gusto ko na lang hilahin ako ng tren patungo sa kung saan, sa kawalan
hindi ko na kaya at ilang beses ko pa bang kelangan sabihin ang katagang yan
kung pwede lang maiyak kaso di naman effective
kanina sa mall, sa jeep, gumigilid na ang mga luha ko
hindi ko na alam kung paano ko pa kakayanin bukas
salamat talaga ay isaac huhuhuhuhuhu
kung tutuusin sobrang dami ngang nangyayaring maganda sa buhay ko eh
pero wala talaga, di ko maramdaman yung excitement/kasiyahan
sobrang daming plano sa future, sobrang daming mangyayari
pero ang gusto ko lang gawin ay matulog at iwanan na ang lahat ng mga ito/iwanan silang lahat

17 (tumblr)

04/21/2013
feel like i’m floating these days, and the liquid-like ground hinders me from becoming unmoved, from being unhinged. on friday night i went to reg’s house under the pale sky with the hazy half-moon and a multitude of stars. i remembered a boy, who also loved to look at the moon and stars because we identify with these celestial bodies in the sense that we are incorrectly placed in this world. to live elsewhere is a dying wish that the heart continues to forge against our empty dreams. if asked, this is me becoming completely detached and having commitment issues because i’m tired of people including myself. let me be clear, i don’t know how to handle friendships because i am inconsistent. sometimes i let people down. sometimes i’m open and talk so much about myself and give advice and listen. there are only a few who knows this side of me, and i guess, that’s only cesca. there’s a feeling that is completely unsettling me because i am becoming this way again. i am shutting the world out and i am taking no one with me. on friday i attended a dinner. being with everyone is a feeling i am most familiar with. i don’t know but i felt like these are my people. i can goof around and feel like i am really myself.

---


02/09/2013
just a sketch of my thoughts and the infinite well of under-analyzed things—
configurations of the mind that were conceived from observations/derived from senses
yesterday i met up with old friends who i haven’t met for a long time
felt like bursting at the seams when i finally welcomed the tangibility of their presence
and touching is one way to express deep emotions e.g. hugging
which i don’t usually seek out for in these situations
am i worried of what i am becoming or that i consider this ‘me’ up to no good
am i worried that it’s taking me a long time to find it in myself the self i want to be 10~ years from now
i dwell in the future because
the present is littered with unwarranted feelings and abrupt presumptions
what a way to think, what a way to feel, because
saving myself from the ramifications of my future actions
i am drowning instead in the tides of the here and now
what a cliché
to say to myself, “hey live in the present”
because i have learned in physics 73 that
the present is as inconsequential as a speck of dust
and as ephemeral as the seconds it take me to blink an eye
i am asking the cosmos
and it has failed to answer me again,
and again, and again
just a thought: what would you do if you knew you could not fail?

---


01/26/2013

last night was a night filled with dreams and desires
because i know i am still seated in the plush chair of life,
and am hopelessly treading water in the whole gamut of human life
a friend told me that i should become the best of who i am
and hope, because it gives life, and life is fueled by ambitions and visions
i dream, like many of you, to have a house,
to have money to travel the world,
to help humankind in some way, and
to have someone i will love irrevocably, unconditionally
these are part of the grand scheme of my life,
and that is to have a constant sense of being enough,
of feeling the simplest kind of happiness
i long for the time when i can finally say
i have lived my life as a free man, a man free of regrets

---


01/19/2013

i went back inside your head, your head filled with thoughts
coagulating into objects—weather-beaten running shoes, a vermillion trench coat, eyes
i like listing things down
listing you down, down into every curve of my body
across my nape, over my weary eyes, just inside my clammy palms
if i could touch you again, i would
1) lightly move my fingers (1,2,3) over the soft hairs on your veined arms
2) breathe against your knees as you sleep / on the cusp of waking and sleeping
3) playfully move my feet and let them rest on top of yours
until you meekly say,“my eyes are heavy but your feet are light”

4) promise i won’t leave but then you know that already,
so i’ll leave instead and love you until you let me touch you again

---


01/13/2013
(List Your Favorite—)

1. Scents
fabric conditioners, newly-sunned bed mattress, a new city in the middle of the night/in the wake of morning, paints, boulangeries
2. Sounds
ukulele riffs, accordion, the spaces (silence) in between conversations, the ruffling of leaves at nights when i can’t sleep and am encompassed by the pitch-black darkness of the room, the clanging of pots and pans w hen my mother is cooking, waves rolling in and out
3. Things to touch
the insides of books—old and battered, maps/brochures, soft, brown hair, collarbones, knees, on sale carpets in kultura
4. Colors
the kind of pink that makes you think of skies and unicorns, the kind of blue that makes you think of movies and everything sad, the kind of green that makes you want to climb a mountain, white as pure as your lover’s soul, silver
5. Books
the book thief, history of love, blindness, the passion, the curious incident of the dog in the night-time, identity, the wind-up bird chronicle
6. Movies
amelie, beginners, moonrise kingdom, somewhere etc.
7. Kisses
the one suspended from the clear-cut divide between hesitation and unbounded affection
8. Touches
the one uncalled for, but always, always filled with tenderness
9. Words
- affection, ebullient, think, feel, hope, infinite
10. Voices
his, hers, ours

16

but if every time what i want to talk about is
you
then, i guess it's
true

15

some things

tonight i tried it then stopped
it was beautiful
i'm scared
let me sleep and when i wake up i hope i'm not here

/everything flowering on the pale skin
/crimson and very much alive
/i'd rather be horizontal than vertical

14

yesterday, the afternoon swooned from bright blue skies to skies clouded over in just a span of an hour. feel like this is very reflective of emotions rippling in me nowadays/how i always feel both the highs and the lows in just a matter of time. i also walked around up enveloped in the sheer comfort of knowing its ins and outs. thought about how i identify with this place's demeanor—the introversion resonates in the very sway of the kamagong's leaves or in the dance of shadows cast at dusk. i remembered the feeling of walking alone at 4 in the afternoon when the world is shunned and the only immediate reality is the self and its unmitigated intentions. it translates to the yearning for innocence, to going back in that point in time when what holds me firmly grounded is my unadulterated way of looking at and into things

recently i am becoming my old self again—the introvert, the hermit, the one who leaves things and people behind. i don't know if anyone really notices this side of me but i feel like what i portray does not divulge anything about me, and instead i resort to believing that there is a clear divide as to who i am when i am with few close friends and when i am on my own. i read somewhere that in the end there  doesn't have to be anyone who understands you and instead there just has to be someone who wants to. i guess, it's just that and then i can freely say i am done

i quit facebook too. how the chat went made me want to carve out a hole in the pallid walls of my room and live in that void until the susceptibility to feel relents the subjects of the topic. i lied, i guess, that i have no issues re quitting facebook because i do and i realize it all too clearly when i replayed the conversation in my head at midnight. i remembered telling k ann that when i am really down/disappointed, i tend to keep my distance and it takes a lot of time to narrow this wide berth. it's futile i guess in the end but right now i don't ever want to come back because i feel that the people i feel closest to are in twitter anyway

also, last night i thought about taking zolpidem because i haven't been sleeping all too well. told myself how i badly want to drive the thoughts pulsating in my head away. there are times when i am asleep and the things i am running away from/refusing to surface from my head when i'm awake clamber out of the trench of safety i have firmly erected. even in sleep i cannot escape and it so, so, so dissuades me. i haven't taken a sleeping pill before but i badly want one now and sleep for 24 hours+++++

13

12

i think right now i equate freedom to the sense of taking control over something or someone, which disheartens me obviously because i feel like i am now slowly losing hold of my ideals i have fortified and fenced in for quite a number of years. there are times when i feel like i am outgrowing the beliefs i had when i was 16, and it is not for the reason that i was naive back then or i am more mature nowadays. i refuse to believe, i guess, that we are aimlessly dabbling in still waters because motion is unavoidable and change takes place without our consent. when i think about change, the realization i had when i took physics 73 plumps up inside my head—the present is as inconsequential as a speck of dust because it only takes a flutter of eyelashes for the past and the future to materialize. we cannot capture the present because the seconds tick ever so rapidly, like chasing the speed of light, which is impossible as it is. i have always been intrigued with the concept of the past, future, and the present, so when sir solis pointed out that in relativity the concept of the present is not as important as what that famous quote (live in the moment) wills us to believe in, i was more astounded and fascinated. if there is no such thing as a present time, then  it's futile to think that we can be transfixed and naturally hinged on the possibility of being the same say in terms of our personalities

i read a book recently, milan kundera's ignorance, and it said that nostalgia is the unappeased yearning to return. the idea of something to be unappeased bears the concept of being nostalgic already because something unappeased carries the weight of the impossibility for satiation. this led me into thinking that being nostalgic is a hopeless feeling that i should learn to bring to a standstill. for kundera, the present exists because it is the glorification of love, and the people who could not let go of a certain period in time have found love which is likened to the actualization of the present. when i think about it, i feel like this causality disobeys the linearity of time because the present can spring up in both the past and the future

now i will try to make do with what i have and obscure this anxiety objectified into an essay

11

Date a guy who writes.
By: sonderambedo

You should date a guy who writes.
Be it on paper, on Word or on your arm,
Or blogs or on corners of notepads
Where the fiction of his mind bursts,
Into the myriad of words that blurs the line.

Find a guy who writes.
He is hard to find.
He’s hiding in the closets, typing in the darkness.
Or stuck in a library, silently moving through books.
Perhaps he will be in a mere cafe,
then boy you are in good luck indeed.

You may find him deep in his silence
That solitude that keep him within.
But though you notice his blank stare,
Or that cooled cup of coffee that lies next to him.

For that behind those dark-rimmed glasses,
Lies a pair of inquisitive eyes,
and accompanying him are a pair of ears,
Filling his mind with infinite worlds,
of pain or laughs or even lust.

He will lose all sense of time,
In the midst of his world of words.
Where he craft his reality, bit by bit.
With silent breaths and thumping heart.
Eyebrows crossed, deep in construction.
Giving life, to a set of words.

Notice the furious typing,
Or the hardened calluses on his fingers.
Those eyebags hanging beneath his bespectacled eyes.
And that stack of papers lying lifelessly beside him.
For such adventurous journeys into fiction,
Will leave him there in the midst of stone.

His heart is wounded, but still kicking,
Bleeding, aching, bloody with emotions.
Dripping with life, a state of minds,
as such ink is used to paint his mind’s eye.
With every drop of life and love.
Or hate and anger.

A heart,
in the spectrum of lights,
and darkness.
By its enjoyment of life,
and the fall into the depths.

For a writer, no matter male or not,
Writes with emotions, with their hearts.
And I assure you,
despite the number of times your heart raged;
over his awkward tongue,
his tangled words,
his over-thinking,
or even his moodiness, a grey cloud
that fogs up your day.
.
.
.
He will surely,
           sincerely,
             madly,
                truly,
                 deeply,
                   wholeheartedly…

..love you with all his heart.
A torn, brittle, sensitive, bloody heart.
That felt the coldness of loneliness,
the blades of sorrow and despair,
the stab behind the back.

A heart that enjoyed the brightest of the sun,
and the darkest of the wild nights out.
Those planned joys,
and unplanned adventures.
A run through the crowds,
to feel a fringe of a heart.

To be fully alive once again,
with a touch of your hearts.

Date him.
He will make your heart flutter like never before.
In all perspectives and angles,
shapes and sizes,
colours and shades.
May you dance well and fine in his words,
for infinity.

10

my lips are bleeding, incorrectly typed leeps
what was i thinking
i think i am thinking about you
again and again
night after night
day after day
are you in your bed
in your room of placelessness
if there is such a word
but i like to call your room
a room of placelessness
i think we are incorrectly placed in this world
i think we should make a life elsewhere
where you can be happy while i’m sad
and you sad when i am happy
or both of us happy
or both of us sad
i think i feel so many feelings about you tonight
and one of them is love
what a silly thing to say, ain't it